Coercive and controlling behaviour (also known as CCB) is the use of humiliation, intimidation and threats to control another person’s behaviour. It often develops very gradually and victims may not even realise they are experiencing controlling behaviour.
It can be hard to identify whether a behaviour is controlling or just a part of a normal relationship. In all relationships, we sometimes do things because the other person encourages us to. The difference in a coercive relationship is that the victim is not free to say no to the request without being punished.
The majority of CCB perpetrators are male and the majority of victims are female, but that isn’t always the case. Coercive control most often occurs between intimate partners, either during the relationship or after it has ended. However, the law recognises coercive control as possible between any two people in a personal relationship. They might be relatives or co-parenting a child together, for example.
Coercive control can take many forms, some of which overlap with other types of abuse, such as sexual abuse and financial control. Other examples include:
Sometimes coercive control can be just one part of a complex system of abuse which might also include physical or sexual abuse, bullying, and emotional blackmail. A perpetrator may exert control over another person by threatening to harm himself or others if the other person does not comply with his demands. Making another person feel guilty or responsible for something is another form of subtle, emotional coercive control.
A significant part of coercive control is intimidation, humiliation, threat and degradation. However, control can also be exerted by rewarding the behaviour the perpetrator wants, with gifts or affection that may be withheld at other times, for example.
Victims of coercive control may spend a lot of time questioning whether the other person is being controlling and doubting their own judgement. The perpetrator may say they are just looking after the victim, that they only do it because they love the victim or that they are protecting the victim from themselves or others. The victim may believe the perpetrator’s excuses, particularly if they have been denied access to people who can see the situation objectively, for what it is.
While still in the relationship, the victim will likely feel isolated, confused and scared. Any thoughts of leaving the perpetrator come with a realistic fear of how the perpetrator might react. The most dangerous time for a victim of abuse is the point at which they leave.
After leaving a coercive relationship, the victim will continue to feel the impacts on their mental health. They may experience very low self-worth, shame, anxiety, depression, PTSD, poor concentration and difficulty making sense of what has happened to them. Getting into new relationships may be particularly challenging for them.
Counselling and psychotherapy can help victims of coercive control in many ways. Talking about what is happening and how you feel with your therapist will help you to make sense of your position. We understand how hard it is to spot coercive control and to leave a controlling relationship; we won’t judge you for it.
When your trust has been betrayed in a coercive relationship, it can be extremely hard to feel safe with new people. Therapy is a very safe space. We won’t push you to talk about anything you’re not ready to talk about and you are always in control. You are free to leave therapy at any time.
Therapy is a space where you can learn that you have a voice again, and that there are options in front of you. Your therapist will help you to rebuild your self-worth, to navigate challenges in new relationships and to let go of your shame. Therapy will help you recognise the controlling dynamics within your relationship so you can slowly begin to take back control over your personal life and choices.
Why not book an initial consultation with no obligation to continue? Our expert and friendly therapists would really like to support you.
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