For a lot of people, the thought of starting couples counselling brings much anxiety. If you and your partner are considering couples counselling or relationship therapy, let me put your mind at ease.
I’m often struck by the anxiety that I see on the faces of clients when they come to their first couples therapy appointment. They are invariably wondering what’s going to happen.
- Will they have to reveal things they don’t want to say in front of their partner?
- Will their partner say things they don’t want to hear?
- Will I judge them for how they are in their relationship?
- Will I push them to stay together when they want to separate?
- Will I tell them to separate when they want to stay together?
When should couples seek therapy?
With all these fears, it’s not surprising that many couples put off therapy until they reach crisis point. I advocate coming before the relationship reaches a crisis. It’s easier to resolve issues without the threat of separation hanging over the couple or the therapy. I hope that by explaining a little about what happens in couples counselling in this post, I can alleviate some of the fears and help couples come to therapy sooner.
Common myths about couples counselling
- The therapist will tell us we shouldn’t be together. The therapist will not pass judgement on whether you should stay together or not. If there is significant domestic abuse present and the therapist fears for your safety, the therapist may advise you on how to separate safely, but it’s still your decision.
- The therapist will judge our relationship. Therapists are trained to be non-judgmental and they see all sorts of relationship problems. They are very unlikely to be shocked by yours.
- If I go to couples counselling, I’ll get trapped in the relationship. The purpose of counselling is to improve the relationship, but if it doesn’t improve as much as you need it to, you are still free to leave. The therapist can support you to do that in a non-destructive way.
Relationship therapy with your partner isn’t always easy but it may not be as frightening as some might think
Firstly, the therapist’s role is not to judge either partner in the relationship, nor to tell them what to do. The role of the therapist is to help the couple have the conversations they need to have to work out how they want to go forward. I can’t think of a couple I’ve worked with where the core of the work hasn’t been improving communication. Relationships are complex and as adults we’re expected to just know how to navigate them without having been taught. We often dance around each other rather than dance together. There are many ways in which relationship therapy can help you to dance together.
What couples often learn in therapy
- To communicate more clearly.
- To avoid escalation in disagreements.
- What really matters to them and their partner.
- To compromise.
- To ask for their needs and wants to be met in a way that their partner can hear.
- To make time for the relationship.
- To give and receive affection and appreciation.
- How their relationship is impacted by their past and their partner’s past.
It’s unrealistic to expect two people to live alongside each other without friction. We all do things that irritate, hurt or infuriate our partners. I’m talking about big things and little things here, from infidelity, sexual problems and abusive behaviour to not taking the bins out or leaving the lid off the toothpaste. In couples therapy, we unpick why those things impact us as they do, how to communicate that clearly and what changes can be made going forward.
What happens in a couples counselling session?
Sessions usually last 50 minutes, during which time we talk about whatever the couple think would be helpful. It might be a disagreement they’ve had during the week; there might be an ongoing pattern of behaviour that bothers one of them; or we may explore how their own families have influenced their relationship style, for example.
The therapist endeavours to give both partners equal space to talk and pays attention to how they communicate. Together, the therapist and the couple will think about how the relationship could be improved through shifts in behaviour, new communication techniques, etc.
Importantly, the therapist may offer suggestions but doesn’t tell the couple what to do: the couple is always free to choose whether or not to adopt the therapist’s suggestions. The therapist doesn’t have an agenda to keep the couple together, and won’t tell them they should separate. The therapist’s role is only to help the couple improve their relationship and make decisions together.
How does couples therapy differ from individual therapy?
The main difference is that there are two clients attending the session together. Usually, they are in an intimate relationship, but they can also be past partners, siblings, parent and child, etc.
While in individual therapy, a whole range of issues may be addressed, the focus of couples therapy tends to remain the relationship between the two clients. Of course, there will be many different aspects of the relationship to discuss and individual issues will come into the therapy when they affect the couple relationship.
Couples therapy can be more directive than individual therapy. With both partners in the room, the therapist can see the relationship first-hand and may manage the communication more, for example if one partner is interrupting the other.
There is usually a focus on communication. The therapist may suggest techniques to help the partners understand each other better, avoid escalation in disagreements, and so on.
Tom Leonard specialises in couples work. He finds that when couples come with what they see as irreconcilable differences or unchangeable patterns of behaviour, counselling often helps them to understand those things in new ways and make shifts that didn’t previously seem possible. An important part of that process is recognising that both partners are responsible for the relationship and for their part in the problematic dynamics.
Therapy creates a space where both partners are treated equally, where both voices are heard and the therapist is an impartial third party. Many couples remark on how valuable that space is: 50 minutes a week to focus on their relationship away from the stresses of work, family and home.
This space provides the opportunity to improve many areas of the relationship, including:
- restoring intimacy
- improving communication
- building trust
- overcoming past infidelities
- reducing aggression
- resolving financial problems
- sharing domestic responsibilities fairly
- parenting effectively together
- adjusting to retirement
- managing relationships with wider family.
The therapist helps the couple to discuss issues such as these and to agree their way forward. In doing so, the couple learns to negotiate difficulties effectively themselves. Our aim isn’t to eliminate disagreements, but to equip the couple with the ability to work through them.
FAQs about couples counselling
How long does it take? That depends on how much needs to be done to improve the relationship. Some couples stay in therapy for years as they see the value of an ‘ongoing maintenance’ approach. Typically, around 3-6 months is sufficient to improve communication to the point where the couple can navigate their problems without therapy. It can take longer if the relationship has reached crisis point or if there has been infidelity.
Do both partners need to attend? Usually, yes. It takes both partners’ involvement to change the relationship. There may be times when your therapist thinks it would be useful to have individual sessions. If so, they will discuss this with you.
What if one partner is hesitant to have couples therapy? That’s very common. I encourage you both to book an initial consultation, so you can see how it feels to be in the therapy room and the therapist can address any concerns you have. There’s no pressure to continue after the initial consultation if you don’t want to.
What if we decide to separate?
Ultimately, some couples will decide they want to separate – and it is always their decision. Couples therapy provides support through that process. Indeed, couples sometimes come to us having already made that decision and wanting our help to reduce the fallout, particularly if they have children. It’s really important for the couple to mourn the relationship and reflect on what the ending means for them. It’s so easy for separation to degenerate into a blame game at a time when both partners are already hurting. Keeping communication open and compassionate with the help of couples therapy is invaluable.
Whatever stage a couple is at, there is no shame in coming to couples therapy. Keeping the love and communication going through all that life throws at us is a real challenge, and one that most of us are never taught how to handle. We’re here to help.
Read our Guide to Couples Therapy.
Kate Crawford is Head of Therapy Services at One Therapy London
Last updated: 29 May 2026
Published: 7 May 2019
